Friday, 2 September 2016

I'm Not Good Enough

Take from this title what you will. I'm not spouting the opinion that I am a victim and that world just doesn't think I live up to expectations of me... this goes far, far deeper than any of that.


I understand my life and live on the basis of a subjective realism. Basically, I have that paranoid feeling that everything outside of my own head might not be real. What if all the people I perceive are figments of my own imagination? What if everything I have ever done has no real meaning because I'm just dreaming all of this whilst being used to power Machine City (extreme example but you get where I'm going with this). This begs the question: why do I feel like I'm not good enough?



Paranoid delusions aside, what do we mean when we say we aren't good enough? What is that feeling that makes us perceive ourselves as failures to the rest of a societal norm?



I'm not going to wander down the philosopher's highway today because I don't have the energy and, quite frankly, I'm not sure it would make a difference.



My point is, I am sitting here, thinking about those nights when I don't want to wake up in the morning and wondering to myself; "What am I trying to prove?"


If I am sitting here in a broken mind, thinking about ending my own life then what does it matter if I have lived up to expectations or not? Why do I care about who likes me, what I look like, where I'm going to live one day, who is judging me... if it doesn't really matter?



This is a phenomenon known as cognitive dissonance, the ability to hold two contradicting points of view at the same time.



Because, for a long, long time, I haven't wanted to carry on. I've wanted to just sink into the sweet darkness and forget. To face that infinite blackness before I become nothing but compost. Some days are better than others and I think that there might just be a reason, some raison d'ĂȘtre to this whole confounded existence... 



I cherish those days. I hold them close because I know that if I can feel like that for a day, I can feel like that for a week... and maybe a month... and maybe a year... and maybe one day I will be happy again.

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